Upcoming police election an embarrassing exercise
I bet you can't wait. I wouldn't be surprised if an underlying frisson of excitement is keeping you awake at night and you find yourself smiling benignly as you put out the bins.
Well don't worry, there's only just over a week to go. Next Thursday, you'll really be able to show those Yanks who have been going on about the neck and neck race between Obama and Romney for what seems like an eternity what a thrilling election is all about.
Today may belong to the Americans and their $2.6 billion dollar campaign, but next Thursday we will be able to cast our votes for the West's first police and crime commissioner. Whoopee do. How exhilarating. Or not, as my teenage daughters would say.
I'm sure when Cameron agreed to elected police commissioners he thought it would be like the movies and we'd be choosing between a larger than life gun-toting, cigar-chomping, Clint Eastwood type and sleazy corrupt politicians in the pocket of the mob.
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But real life being real life, we've got the bland leading the bland. The suits. In Bristol we've got one candidate pledging to examine how the budget is broken down between town and country and another promising to set up a crime forum to tackle business break-ins. I bet all those drug-addict burglars are quaking in their trainers at the idea of coppers and Rotary bods chatting about the break-in at Budgens over a cup of char and a custard cream.
All those potential Stephen Farrows and Christopher Halliwells wandering the streets must be terrified at the thought of figures being moved from one column on the balance sheet to another. That'll really bring the murder rate down.
But what can you expect when the system is devised for people one trillion times more likely to have said "resource allocation", "force priorities" and "integrated offender management programme" than "get your trousers on your nicked".
Same old faces, same old jargon. We should have said "Book 'em Danno" and thrown away the key from day one and spared ourselves from what is shaping up to be the most embarrassing election in history.
Even worse than the dire council ones. I'm sure the local schools have had more challenging contests for the position of library monitor.
When even the politicians seem reluctant to get involved, is it any wonder that more than four out of five people are expected to stay at home? Last week's zombie walk in Bristol will have nothing on the stroll to the poll on Thursday morning.
Why? It's not as if anybody is making us answer difficult questions, such as former Scotland Yard boss Sir Ian Blair who says centralising police power in any single individual is dangerous. Discuss. All we have to do is put a cross in a box.
But, put simply, we're not bovvered. Number 10 would have had more luck if they had posted different versions of computer-generated TV presenter Max Headroom wearing a sheriff's badge on Facebook and asked us to press 'like'. Celebrities, politicians, the famous. They are becoming a blended homogenous mass and we are getting sick and tired of them.
What's the answer? Former comedian Beppe Grillo's Five Star movement which rejects former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's TV-led culture and communicates directly through the internet is sweeping Italy by storm.
But who's to say internet personalities are not only Twitter deep? Mervyn Barrett has been forced to step down in Lincolnshire after admitting the charismatic young political activist who persuaded him to stand as commissioner in the first place was a member of the Google Gang who's CV, and interesting life only existed on fake websites and social media. It wasn't real. It was a cyber sham.
Once the thin blue line is diluted by the fake and fatuous world of personality politics, how long before we have a postcode lottery with tractor thefts ranking higher than murder or lower than litterbugs depending on how many farmers each commissioner needs to curry favour with?
If even X Factor creator Simon Cowell recognises that shallow popularity contests have had their day, how come we have sleepwalked into spending £400 million on an election nobody wants or cares about? Awkward. I would say.