Mid Somerset Festival 2013 - Senior Creative Writing overall winner

The Consultation, by Brian Weaving

Scene: A Doctor's surgery

DOCTOR: So, Mr Smith, what seems to be the problem?

SMITH: It's me eyes, Doctor. They'm getting worse.

DOCTOR: The cataracts troubling you?

SMITH: All that glare, and reading is right hard.

DOCTOR: You know the current situation, Mr Smith. We did go through the NHS Questionnaire; you didn't score very highly.

SMITH: I know there's no money for us poor folk but I reckon they'm a lot worse.

DOCTOR: And, looking at your record, there hadn't been much change from the month before that.

SMITH: Just 'cause they reckon you're past it, you're expected to soldier on. Is that it?

DOCTOR: They do have to prioritise.

SMITH: (BELLIGERENT) I hears what yer saying, doctor, but I'd like to do it again, please.

DOCTOR: Well, all right. You probably know these questions by heart.

SMITH: So, how many has I to score?

DOCTOR: At least sixty out of a hundred.

SMITH: And what gets you a hundred?

DOCTOR: You have to be completely blind. And, if I can remind you, you scored seven the last time we did this.

SMITH: I reckon my cataracts is the fast growing sort.

DOCTOR: Really? Well here goes. Can you read a car number plate at twenty metres?

SMITH: How many points do I score if I says 'No'?.

DOCTOR: Ten.

SMITH No.

DOCTOR: How about fifteen metres?

SMITH: No.

DOCTOR: Before you ask, that's twenty points. So how about ten metres?

SMITH: No.

DOCTOR Thirty points. So how did you get here today, Mr Smith?

SMITH: In the car. But very, very slowly.

DOCTOR: I see. If you'd look at the chart, and tell me what letters you can read?

SMITH: What chart?

DOCTOR: That is another thirty points.

SMITH: Ain't that it then? Sixty points?

DOCTOR: Quite true.

SMITH: So I can go on the List?

DOCTOR: Oh, I'm afraid not.

SMITH: But you said, 'Sixty points were enough to get on the List'?

DOCTOR: Unfortunately, the rate of deterioration of your eyesight is so alarming that I suspect a brain tumour.

SMITH: Brain tumour? But that's ridiculous.

DOCTOR: At this rate, you could be blind by the end of the month.

SMITH: What are you doing?

DOCTOR: Ringing for an ambulance and arranging for a neurologist to be on standby.

SMITH: Hang on. Happen it's not as bad as I said. I can read the top four lines on the chart now A L Q P S / Z T R K.......

DOCTOR; / Having flashes of relief is another symptom, I'm afraid. It proves that it isn't a cataract problem at all.

SMITH: Look, I'm sure it ain't as bad as I were thinking.

DOCTOR: The operation is quite painless. You are left handed are you?

SMITH: No, right.

DOCTOR: Pity about that. Still, you can do a lot with one hand.

SMITH: Hows about a second opinion?

DOCTOR: There may not be time.

SMITH: Oh look, I can see the door. Afternoon, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Goodbye, Mr Smith. (CALLS) Next.